April is Dance Month!

What a crazy month I have ahead of me! April is Dance Month at Gonzaga University. This weekend is the Student Choreography Concert and I am part of it! Despite the face that I am not yet a student there! I can’t wait for people to see that there is just “Another Day of Sun”. The end of the month brings the Spring Dance Concert! I hope I will get to participate in that show as well but first I have to get through Student Choreo! Wish me luck!

Also, just want to give a shoutout to the Gonzaga Men’s Basketball Team. You had such an amazing season and I can’t wait for next year! That was an amazing game to watch! Next year we’ll witness history again!

SCC Music 2017 – This is the music of the Student Choreo Concert!

(Update- April 10) I’m also a little smitten this month.

april- #getsamagirlfriend2k17

Stress Fractures

stress fracture: noun. a fracture of a bone caused by repeated (rather than sudden) mechanical stress

 

I have mental stress fractures. They are slowly growing and getting more painful. I never really know how to respond. The easiest way to get through this is to go and do something I enjoy. But then the question becomes, “What do I truly enjoy?” Unfortunately, I haven’t a clue and the fractures are continuing to grow. I just want the freedom to do something fun and meaningful but I honestly don’t know that I can. Everything I love just seems to be too expensive or too time intensive. I know that one day it will be worth it, this working all of the time. This doing what I don’t love. But until then, I have these stress fractures growing in my brain.

March Playlist

Here is my March Playlist! This month is going to be quite mad but I can’t wait to get it done!

maybe take a break? -march 2017

Daily(ish) Dose of Poetry #9

Childlike Dreams- Jan 28,2017

Can you hear that?

She’s calling to you.

Her voice is saccharine sweet.

Her laughter is bringing you out of the darkness.

You stumble around as you reach for the sun when you see her face.

She smiles at you.

Let’s go play!

But the darkness creeps closer.

Essays. Work. Phone Calls.

Adult life consumes you.

You push away the child like laughter.

You’re too busy.

You don’t have time.

Slowly she leaves you.

She’s giving up hope that you’ll play.

But as the pressure builds on you,

She tries one more time,

Let’s go play?

Her voice has turned melancholic.

You turn towards her with anger.

The disruption of your work, annoying.

She holds her hand out to you.

You pause.

Would it truly be terrible to play?

The phone rings again snapping you out of that wonder.

She starts to walk away.

Wait! Let me come with you!

You drop your phone and take off your tie.

It’s time to play.

It’s time to escape.

You let your inner child take flight.

You turn into the sunlight.

 

 

Radio Silence

Sometimes it’s hard for me. My mood changes and I’ll have a few really good days. Then without warning, something sets it off. The tears and the worry. The anxieties and the pain. There isn’t a constant cycle, it’s a never ending wheel of emotion. It’s exhausting. There are days when I don’t want to get out of bed because I can’t handle the weight that is laying on my soul. It’s a crushing feeling. I never know if I’ll be okay. Sometimes I think I might be. But then that voice that nags me in the back of my head tells me I’m inadequate. I try not to listen but lately it’s been getting louder. Almost like it’s trying to get out and take over my life. Maybe it is. The most current shouts are about my biological father and how I’m so inadequate that he didn’t even want to meet me. That’s brutal to hear. Even in your head. Then they shout that you’ll never go to college because you weren’t a good student in high school. Then on the topic of high school it reminds you about the work you put into something that you didn’t care about. All of the noise gets to be too much and I’m left trying to swim through it. But I’m going against the current. I’m always struggling to get through. That’s why I’ve been on radio silence. My emotions were taking over and drowning me. Every moment was a possibility of losing my breath.

Dailyish Dose of Poetry #8(?)

**This post is not suitable for everyone. Please use discretion as the following post might contain your personal triggers.**

Feelings of Flight- Feb 11, 2017

I’m waging a war that not many can see

And the pain that’s inside is obliterating me.

They say its a phase, that it’s all in my head.

They are the reason I feel that I’m better off dead.

I know that they love me,

I know that they care,

But what is left of me but just one blank stare

The feelings are slipping away from myself

And all I can feel is that moment of stealth

As my mind starts to wander

My mind starts to roam

Until that one graceful moment where I know I’m not home.

My body is there and it’s working so hard.

It’s making the bed, washing the car.

But it isn’t me that’s within that shell.

I’ve broken out so I can look for the bell.

The bell that is ringing so loud in my head.

The feeling I know that it means I should dread.

Dread that my life is slipping right through.

Through my fingers and through time

And through and through and through.

I know that time is passing but I don’t know how long

Is it a day, an hour, or just one long song?

And now that I am getting tired,

It’s best to descend.

Descend back to earth where my body remains.

My body and mind connect again

And in that moment, I know that once again.

I’ve disassociated a lot and my life is a mess.

But only because of the imminent stress.

Paying bills, going to work, and dreaming of school.

Knowing that two are all I’m able to do.

That feeling of missing out on an education is sad

But reality knows that at least you can be glad.

Glad that you’re living at all.

Even though life just makes you feel really small.

February Spotify Playlist

Hey guys! I decided I would create a playlist for February! I hope you take a moment and listen! I put some of my favorite songs on this! It’s a playlist that just speaks to me for the month of love.

you don’t need a man. -Feb. 2017

My Birthday Weekend: A Summary

January 19th:

This was a good day. I went to a lesson for swing! I enjoyed learning the basics to the Lindy Hop and I loved the class structure! It made me want to go back again! (I will be going back.)

January 20th:

Spent the day working then went to my performance. I left just as the show was ending. I bolted as quick as I could so I could go to Third Friday Swing! It was definitely an amazing event! I loved the birthday circle and of course loved the Shim Sham. My sister and two of my best friends up here came and helped me celebrate. After swing, I went to Momison’s house and we had Mike’s and rum and coke. I’m starting to think rum and coke is my signature drink. We stayed up late and watched a few episodes of Teen Wolf before we all fell asleep.

January 21st: (My actual birthday)

Woke up with a minor headache. It was worth it though! We all spent the morning being hermits with the internet. Aubs went home and Momison and I went to my apartment for waffles and more Teen Wolf time. It was fun and frightening! Then my niece asked if she could make me a cake and if I would come over for dinner. Momison drove me and we enjoyed the cake that she made for me. My brother-in-law and I did birthday shots of Fireball then I headed to my show! The show went well then Momison picked me up and we went to Art’s house! I got to try a few things for the first time and I absolutely enjoyed every moment of it. Being able to try something new is a great gift that we often take for granted. We then took a stroll through the campus of the local university. We ended up in the chapel and we all took a moment to just be quiet. Momison went home and I went back to Art’s house. We both passed out. I still have his sweatshirt.

January 22nd:

Work was fun? I was still a little hungover to be honest. After work I went and did a show. I came home after and took a nap. I also worked out and ate food. Then I gave up and went to bed.

January 23rd:

I woke up late and got dressed for lunch with my sister in law. It was fun! We went to Red Robin and ate all of the fries. I got an email about a package waiting for me in the office of my building and I went to retrieve it. It was for Momison so I walked it over to her. I ended up spending the afternoon with her. I loved pretending to be a student at university working in the costume shop. I even got to help with a few things. Momison also gave me her copy of the Costume Designers guide to sewing so I could learn how to sew. I’m excited to learn about it.  I then got to sit in on auditions for the show I’m stage managing. It was interesting. I am already having issues with accents. Now it’s just time to reflect and journal!

 

Hope you all had lovely weekends! Let me know how yours was!

Hugs & Kisses

Samantha

Dailyish Dose of Poetry #7

**Hey guys! This one will be a little different. It’s a little happier. This is about a kickback that I went to last night. I felt welcomed instead of locked out. It’s amazing to feel like you belong in a situation. We discussed politics and LGBTQ+ rights. We discussed oppression and yet we all still connected. At the end of the night (maybe like 1:30am) I ended up cuddling with a new friend. It wasn’t sexual but it felt supportive.**

Acceptance- (Jan 18, 2017)

The door opens to a new world.

They smile and laugh.

But not at you, with you.

It’s something you’ve never been around before.

The conversations are deep and the people surrounding you listen.

She reaches over and holds your hand as you discuss the difficult things.

No one laughs and says you’re lying.

You feel accepted.

You feel wanted.

You feel heard.

When the night is over you know that it isn’t forever.

Words you don’t hear often come from his mouth.

Next time she comes you are more than welcome to join.

The words that were shared didn’t frighten them away.

You are accepted.

The feeling lasts all day.

The door opened to a whole new world.

A world of being part of the kickback crowd.

Loneliness

I guess it’s safe to say that lately I’ve been pretty down. I’ve been working on changing up my attitude but it’s not always an easy task. One of the hardest feelings for me lately has been loneliness. But I’m never truly alone. I’m with a client, my roommates, my family, or my best friend. Yet, the only thing I feel is the sense that I still am truly alone. I could be surrounded by hundreds of people and still feel like there wasn’t another soul on the planet and while I normally love that feeling, I can’t help but feel left out. I believe that the hardest part about it all is the feeling that there is something more for me out there and I just can’t grasp it yet. I’m doing a production right now at a small theatre. It’s a small cast and a crew that nearly outweighs the cast. I’m part of the crew and there are days where I don’t want to go because there’s this tension. This feeling of not being needed. It kind of brings me down. The assistant director and stage manager usually just tell me to go home. They never ask me to stay and help reset. They always just say that they’ll do it later or do it before the show. My call time has been lumped in with the actors because I guess I’m just not that significant in the scheme of what needs to be done. Instead of letting me help, they just push me away. I guess I should be grateful that I get to leave early and go and spend time with friends but I guess I just feel so unattached to the cast and crew that me even being there feels wrong.