Radio Silence

Sometimes it’s hard for me. My mood changes and I’ll have a few really good days. Then without warning, something sets it off. The tears and the worry. The anxieties and the pain. There isn’t a constant cycle, it’s a never ending wheel of emotion. It’s exhausting. There are days when I don’t want to get out of bed because I can’t handle the weight that is laying on my soul. It’s a crushing feeling. I never know if I’ll be okay. Sometimes I think I might be. But then that voice that nags me in the back of my head tells me I’m inadequate. I try not to listen but lately it’s been getting louder. Almost like it’s trying to get out and take over my life. Maybe it is. The most current shouts are about my biological father and how I’m so inadequate that he didn’t even want to meet me. That’s brutal to hear. Even in your head. Then they shout that you’ll never go to college because you weren’t a good student in high school. Then on the topic of high school it reminds you about the work you put into something that you didn’t care about. All of the noise gets to be too much and I’m left trying to swim through it. But I’m going against the current. I’m always struggling to get through. That’s why I’ve been on radio silence. My emotions were taking over and drowning me. Every moment was a possibility of losing my breath.

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