Loneliness

I guess it’s safe to say that lately I’ve been pretty down. I’ve been working on changing up my attitude but it’s not always an easy task. One of the hardest feelings for me lately has been loneliness. But I’m never truly alone. I’m with a client, my roommates, my family, or my best friend. Yet, the only thing I feel is the sense that I still am truly alone. I could be surrounded by hundreds of people and still feel like there wasn’t another soul on the planet and while I normally love that feeling, I can’t help but feel left out. I believe that the hardest part about it all is the feeling that there is something more for me out there and I just can’t grasp it yet. I’m doing a production right now at a small theatre. It’s a small cast and a crew that nearly outweighs the cast. I’m part of the crew and there are days where I don’t want to go because there’s this tension. This feeling of not being needed. It kind of brings me down. The assistant director and stage manager usually just tell me to go home. They never ask me to stay and help reset. They always just say that they’ll do it later or do it before the show. My call time has been lumped in with the actors because I guess I’m just not that significant in the scheme of what needs to be done. Instead of letting me help, they just push me away. I guess I should be grateful that I get to leave early and go and spend time with friends but I guess I just feel so unattached to the cast and crew that me even being there feels wrong.

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